FUNNY BONE PAGE

COP THIS LOT

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them again and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!!!

BUYING A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software for windows?
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommend something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend office with windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let’s just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.
Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great, with what?
Abbott: Real One.
Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue "1."
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue "1."
Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
Abbott: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Abbott: No, just one. but its the most popular Word ; in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Costello: And that word is real one?
Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What's bundled to my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER)
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click on "START"

OBTAINING A SAMPLE

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the doctor asked for a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
So my wife tried. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "Dear God man... you asked your neighbour?”
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

SHE WAS ONLY ....

She was only...
...the Colonel's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant.
...the Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was often full of discharged seamen.
...the constable's daughter but she'd let the Chief Inspector.
...the undertaker's daughter, but she knew what to do with a stiff.
...the fishmonger's daughter, but she'd lay on the slab and shout fillet.

THE ATHEIST

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

THE PRESIDENT'S BALLS

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was iimpossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

While walking down the street one day a head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

CHURCH BLOOPERS

Actual Announcements Taken From U.S. Church Bulletins.

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an icecream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

WISHFUL THINKING

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job,"
The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes,and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!

"The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

THE THREE ROOSTERS

Three cockerels sat on a farmyard fence. Six thirty am comes around, so the first cockerel (a big, meaty old rooster) , yawns, stretches and ruffles his feathers.He takes a deep breath, puffs himself up, and lets rip...
"Cock-a-doodle-dooooooo!"

Ten minutes later, the second cockerel (also a butch old rooster) gets up, scratches his beak, shakes his feathers and follows suit...
"Cock-a doodle-dooooooo!"

Just before seven, the third cockerel gets up, minces across the fence in his pink silk robe, preens himself for a few minutes and starts manicuring his claws. The other two shout "Hey, ya big queen.....get with the plot, how 'bout it...it's getting late!"

"Oh really boys!", he replies, "can't a bird get a moments peace..."
And with that, he fluffs himself up, gives a pathetic sigh, then...
"Any cock'll dooooooooo!!!!"

GORILLA LANGUAGE

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language.

The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

POLITICALLY CORRECT NURSERY RHYMES

Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul
A merry old soul was he
For he'd just received word from the equal opportunities board that his application for a sex change operation had been approved.
Soon, he would be Queen.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Were called upon as key witnesses in the trial of Walls R Us, the shoddy company that built the faulty wall upon which the erstwhile Mr Dumpty was sitting, and then proceeded to fall off owing to loose brickwork from poor cementing on the part of said company, Walls R Us . . . etc. etc.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
"I don't know why I eat this garbage," she thought.
"It tastes like cat's vomit."
So when a spider
Sat down beside her
She ate him instead.
"Bloody hell," she thought, "that tasted even worse, like dog's rectum!"
Now I wonder how Miss Muffet knew what cat's vomit and dog's rectum tasted like? I'm not entirely sure I want to know the answer to that. Do you?
No, I'm sure you don't. And if you did, you're sick. I think we'll leave now, very quickly. Let's just leave Miss Muffet alone with her thoughts. Her very, very sick thoughts . . . !

Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When his teacher came out to see what all the fuss was about, he said: "You'd better get yourself a lawyer, son. You'd better get yourself a real good one . . . !"
(With apologies to: The Cruel Sea, who wrote the original Lawyer Song)

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill said, "I'm not going out with a brain-damaged moron like you!"

AT THE PEARLY GATES

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

MORE BLONDE JOKES (SIGH!)

THE MAIL BOX
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

THE BLONDE PAINTER
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies: “Yes.”
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
“FOR BEST RESULTS - APPLY TWO COATS”

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

TIMELY DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex
. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[Selected and contributed by Diana Leonardini, Italy]

DELETED CHARACTERS

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and contraception."

The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

HOW TO OFFEND EVERYONE

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
4. Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
7. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
8. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
9. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

THE ATTORNEY AND THE POLICEMAN

A true story: If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win

FLOATING CURE-ALL

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

THE FORGIVING WOMAN

The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. He asked:
"How many have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question. Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"- asked the preacher.
"I don't have any."- she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"- asked the preacher.
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world." - asked the preacher.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said: "It's easy, I just outlived those bitches."

GEARGE W. BUSH'S INSPECTION PARADE

President George Bush has made an announcement that we will not attack Iraq.

The President has announced that as of today, he is agreeing to additional inspectors to be deployed throughout the country of Iraq.

We will be sending 250,000 additional inspectors into Iraq. The additional inspectors will include:
24,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division;
15,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault);
15,000 members of the 82d Airborne Division;
5,000+ members of the 4th armored division with their "M1-A1 all-terrain vehicles" and Additional U.S. Army personnel, as needed for inspections.

"A variety of U.S. Air Force personnel for aerial recon missions and other "surveillance" activities;
A significant number of United States Marines to aid with inspections;
United States Coast Guard personnel to inspect coastlines;
An undisclosed number of Rangers, Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Recon Marines, Delta Force, and other Special Operations personnel to inspect Iraqi "hide-aways".

"Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made by aircraft from the USS Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln and USS Enterprise.
B52s, B1s and B2s will aid in uncovering previously hidden assets in underground storage areas."

The President stated: "With these additional inspectors, the inspections should be completed in a few weeks."

COMPUTER MADNESS

Anytime you are feeling really stupid about your computer - don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from the Wall Street Journal. You will soon realize there are some really STUPID computer users out there!!!!!!!!!

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Enter or Return" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST Technical Support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag it was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system could not read the word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found the customer had labeled his disks and then rolled them in his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send in a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and then was heard putting the phone down and slamming the door.

6. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pushed the power switch, she replied "what power switch?.

7. From a Novell NetWare System Operater:
Caller: Hello is this Tech Support?
Tech: Yes it is, how may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warrenty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?
Caller: Yes. It's attached to the front of my computer.
Tech : Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, but it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional and I haven't been to a trade show. It just says "4X" on it.
At this point the tech had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer for the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped off !!!

ROLL ME OVER, PLEASE

A young Australian woman was about to marry a young Greek man. In her prenuptial advice the mother warned the daughter: "Now be very careful of these Greek men. They have perverse sexual habits. So if your husband ever asks you to roll over, you must absolutely refuse."

And so the young couple got married and enjoyed an active and mutually fulfilling sex life for several years. Then one night the husband asked his wife: "Would you mind rolling over?"
"No, no. Definitely not," replied the wife. "My mother warned me that this situation might arise, and I most certainly will not oblige you in this matter."
"Well," replied the husband: "I was just thinking that you might like to start a family."

THE BABY

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her, the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed some money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to slap the baby on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" asks the midwife. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the baby was going to bark."